Codependency in the Parent-Child Relationship
Many parents want to feel needed, and many children, no matter their age, want their parent's love and approval. These desires are common and can be a healthy part of a close relationship. The American Psychological Association defines codependency as a dysfunctional relationship pattern in which a person is psychologically dependent on another. Which may be described more broadly as a focus on other people's problems, feelings, and needs while minimizing or ignoring your own, and relying on others for identity and a sense of worth. It may appear in relationships with young children, and it can sometimes be harder to notice once the child is grown. An adult child and parent might seem close and loving on the surface while still feeling caught in a pattern of dependence underneath.
Signs to Look For
A parent of an adult child may notice that it feels hard to let their grown child make choices they wouldn't make, or to let them struggle with something they are capable of handling. Their mood may rise and fall with their child's, and they might feel hurt or anxious when their child sets limits, lives independently, or seems to need them less than before.
An adult child may notice guilt when making decisions their parent may not approve of, even though they have a life of their own. They may have become skilled at keeping the peace rather than saying what they really think, and it may sometimes be hard to tell what they want apart from what is expected of them or what would make their parent happy.
Noticing some of these experiences doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong, and many families recognize a few of them from time to time. They may be worth a closer look when they feel constant and leave little room for either person to feel like a separate, whole individual, particularly when the child is grown and more independence is typically expected.
Why it Happens
Patterns like these can be passed down rather than chosen. A parent who grew up managing someone else's emotions, perhaps because of a caregiver's addiction, instability, or emotional unavailability, may have learned that love involves constant vigilance and self-sacrifice. Without another model, these patterns can be carried into the next generation without anyone intending it, and they may keep both people feeling entangled well into the child's adulthood. This is only one possible explanation, and temperament, culture, life circumstances, and many other factors may also play a part.
Want a Change?
Some people find it helpful to start by naming the pattern without blame. It may be useful to think of it as something that grew between two people rather than a flaw in either one. From there, small boundaries in low-stakes moments, rather than the biggest issue in the relationship, may feel more manageable. Boundaries can feel uncomfortable for both people at first, and for many that discomfort eases with time, though it may look different for each family.
Reconnecting with your own identity may also help. It can be worth asking yourself what you enjoy, value, or want that has nothing to do with this relationship. If the answer feels unclear, that may simply be useful information rather than a failure. Individuals may find that letting a tense moment sit, rather than rushing to smooth it over, helps them become more comfortable with a relationship that has more separateness in it.
Pushback can be expected. When one person starts to change a long-standing pattern, the other may experience it as rejection at first, even when nothing has gone wrong. For some, this reaction softens with time and consistency.
If things feel stuck, some people choose to work with a therapist. These patterns can be connected to earlier attachment experiences, sometimes reaching back a generation or more, and exploring them with support may help you understand where the pattern began and what you'd like to build in its place.
Closeness and separateness don't have to be opposites. The goal may not be to love less, but to build a relationship, at any age, with room for two whole people in it.
Sources:
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Codependency. In APA dictionary of psychology. https://dictionary.apa.org/codependency
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). How parents and their adult children can build strong relationships (No. 239). In Speaking of Psychology. https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/parent-adult-children-relationships
This blog is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or clinical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Use of this site does not establish a therapist-client relationship. The information provided is not a substitute for professional care. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency or are in crisis, please call or text 988 or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.
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